Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Bathing suit shopping as a mom

If you were to ask me if I would rather go to the gynecologist or go bathing suit shopping I would tell you bring out the stir ups!  A trip to the gynecologist is just a few minutes of discomfort and embarrassment.  Bathing suit shopping is hours of depressing, self esteem destroying, torture!

I had mentally prepared myself a few days in advance by searching the Google Gods (yes, I for real Googled it) for tips to make bathing suit shopping bearable.  Google God said to do the typical things that make you feel better about yourself, like shave your legs and bikini line, do hair and make up.  I wasn't completely satisfied with that answer so I talked with Ticklebug who recommended taking Andi and/or S.  He thought they would be best because they have awesome, healthy body images, and they are two friends who wouldn't run away from my rolls...hahaha!!!  He didn't say the roll thing, I totally added that.

Bug and Monster ended up having to come with me to look for the bathing suit because of Ticklebug's work schedule.  In my mind I had pictured my six and nine year old on their best behavior.  I figured they would understand that mommy was about to endure hours of torture.  I was wrong.  I swear they must have gone into the bathroom at some point and snorted a line of pixie stix because they were freaking crazy.

The first stop was Victoria's Secret and they were I'm talking bouncing off the dressing room walls, knocking over my (much needed) coffee, and saying things like, "Mommy, your stomach is flabby."  Unfortunately, they made me lose my patience a few too many times.

Resulting in S texting Andi (who was at a hair appointment and planning to meet up with us later) to see if we could take her hubby (Sunshine) up on his previous offer to watch my demon spawn.
I love this comic!  I don't know who did it...but I got it via
The girls did eventually end up chilling out before I took them over to Sunshine and Andi's house to play with their daughter, Blondy.  I thought about maybe keeping them around but in the end S and I decided that we were more productive without them. 

After dropping off the spawn and picking up Andi we went back to the mall.  The first stop was Macy's.  I had seen all kinds of cute suits on the internet and wanted to try them on.  Sadly, Macy's was horribly disorganized and I didn't see any of the bathing suits from online.  Be that as it may, Andi and S still managed to find close to 20 different torture devices bathing suits to get me into. 

After suit 23,203 I was becoming grumpy.  I think Andi sensed this because she came in and decided she would try on some suits too.  Okay, these next few sentences are going to sound really lesbionic.  While Andi and I were trying on suits together I turned and looked at her.  Her perfectly done dark black hair and naughty secretary glasses made me gasp.  Bitch was looking straight like Alex Vause from "Orange is the New Black!"

I don't know if you know this...  But Alex is freaking hot and makes me want to go deep sea clam fishing!


The realization that Andi (from now on called Alex) looked like Ms. Vause became the obsession for the rest of the day.   S and I couldn't stop calling her "Alex," Ms. Vause," and "AV."

Back to the my suffering....  We didn't get any suits from Macy's.  We ended up going to the specialty shop Everything But Water.  Just for one part of a two piece it was like $80!  Again, I tried on a zillion different suits.  Thankfully, I had some coffee so I goofed off a bit.  I did some twerking for Alex and S. ;)

Alex and S's faces afterwards bahahahah!!!! via
I ended up walking out with of Everything But Water spending WAY too much money for a bathing suit and cover up that I'm not even sure I want.  I just wanted to get the whole experience over with!

If you want my advice on bathing suit shopping... I have none.  That shit blows harder than a starving hooker trying to make a dollar! 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

A firefighter had to come kill a spider for me

Yes, the title is true.  I'm not even kidding and I'm not ashamed!


I was at work drinking my coffee when a small spider scurried across my desk.  Thankfully, on this particular day, the majority of the office was gone so only three people could hear my high pitched shrilling.  That spider was a fast little asshole!


I grabbed my napkin and tried to smash him but he was dodging every advance I made!  In my urgency to squash Mr. Spider I dropped my napkin.  I refused to bend down and pick it up because I knew the second I took my eyes off the demon he would jump on me, climb in to my nose, and lay devil baby eggs that would suddenly crack and come oozing out.  I grabbed my spoon and just randomly started trying to hit the spider "Wack a Mole" style.  I must have angered it because the little cuntcake dashed towards me.  I threw my spoon at it and shrieked, "I can't!  I just can't!"


Stephanie sat at her desk, watching me, and laughing.  (You Bitch!)

K came out from her section of cubical land with C.

K: "What are you screaming about!?  Is there a possum?  A rat?"
Steph: ::giggle:: "I know what it is..."
Me: "It's a spider!"
K: "A big spider?"
Me: "A SPIDER!!!!"
C: "Okay, resident spider killer is here."
K: "...Really, Ali?"

So C killed my spider and threw it in the trash.

Oh yea, I should probably mention C is a volunteer firefighter.  So, no, I didn't call the fire department or anything crazy like that...  But it's still funny to say "A firefighter had to come kill a spider for me."

Again, when it comes to spiders...


Monday, April 28, 2014

The Time I Accidentally Went to a "Happy Ending" Massage Parlor

Baby Fungus (little sister) and I made a trip to New Jersey a few weeks ago so she could see Cabana Boy (her boyfriend).  That whole mess is another story but right now I want to take a moment to share my story appropriately titled,

"The Time I Accidentally Went to a 'Happy Ending' Massage Parlor"

I had some free time since I left Baby Fungus and Cabana Boy alone for a few hours in the dorm to do whatever 17/18 year olds do in their free time.  I got my nails done, did some wine shopping, and at 7:30 was driving around bored.   Along the side of the road I saw a big sign that said, "MASSAGE" in red.  In my past experiences massage spas close around 7 or 8 at the latest.  However, I saw a glowing "open" sign and figured, "What the hell!"  I went to check the hours on the door and they were listed as 10am-10pm.  I thought it was unusual, but whatever.  New Jersey is unusual, so I figured this might be the norm.

When I walked in I noticed that the waiting room was dimly lit, with minimal furniture. An old Chinese man was sitting behind the desk and looked confused whenever I walked inside.  Before I could speak to him a cute little Chinese girl (CG) came out of nowhere.  Our conversation went,

CG: "You want massage?"
Me: "Yes, please."
CG: "How long?"
Me: "Thirty minutes."
CG: "Okay!  You go in room, take off clothes."
Me: "Can I use the bathroom first?"
CG: "Okay, down end of hall."

I walked down the hall and looked to the right.  Behind a curtain was a bright white room with one desk and an older Chinese woman sitting at it.

When I walked back to the room I undressed down to my underwear.  Right as I got the blanket over my body CG knocked on the door and walked in.

CG: "You want light pressure or deep pressure."
Me: "Deep, please."

Maybe it's because I like to be beaten during a massage, but I would not call the massage deep.

I would probably say no. via
In fact, I don't think it was a massage.  It was like a rub down.  About ten minutes in CG was standing to the left of me, took my left hand, and moved it off the bed.  I was a bit confused.  Why would she move my hand?  And even more so, why is she nudging it with her legs and va jay jay?!?!

After she was done dry humping my hands she continued the massage by moving to my butt.  I've had my butt massaged before.  The difference is that it was always over a blanket and the masseuse wasn't trying to pull down my panties.  Yup, you heard me right...  CG was pulling my panties around!  She must have felt my butt cheeks tensing up because she stopped and said,  "Just. Relax!"  I blurted out, "I'm trying!"  I didn't know what to think!  It was then that it clicked that I was probably in one of THOSE massage parlors. 

The timer went off (finally) and CG left the room.  I got dressed, walked out of the room and went to the old man to pay.  While I was up there CG came up and I thought she was about to have a heart attack.

CG: "Don't pay with card!"
Me: "Um, why not?"
CG: "Do you have cash to pay?"
Me: "I have cash, but I need it because I'm leaving New Jersey and need to pay the tolls."
CG: "How much you have?  We can do discount."
Me: "I would really rather pay with my card."
CG: "...ok..."

I paid, left, and called Hubs to tell him the experience.  He asked me if I looked up the reviews before I went in.  I hadn't so I got on yelp and low and behold... I saw this!!!!

You see that!!!! YOU SEE!!!!???  That confirmed it!

Lies! via

So now I give you, ways to tell you're in a Happy Ending massage parlor

Ten Ways to Know You're in a Happy Ending Massage Parlor

1) Unusual hours
2) Tacky red massage sign
3) Windows covered with heavy blinds
4) Dim lighting
5) Creepy old man behind counter
6) Mama-san behind the scenes 
7) Masseuse moves your hands they touch her va jay jay
8) Pulling your underwear down
9) You're not being massaged, your being rubbed down
10) Insisting on paying in cash

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Getting over the lost of a pet

In the weeks following Kleo's death I was distraught.  There was an overwhelming feeling that something was missing in my life. Well, surprisingly enough, Hubs found a solution to helping me fill the void. 

Hubs and the girls were out on a mission to get another puppy almost immediately after Kleo passed.  To be polite, I humored their attempts but always gave a "No."  The Saturday before St. Patrick's Day we went to the pet store to pick up a few odds and ends for Kiki and of course we ended up looking at dogs.  A dachshund, scottish terrier and boston terrier to be exact.  All of the dogs were super sweet, but I said "no" to all of them followed by, "I'm just not ready."

St. Patrick's Day Hubs, Monster, and I (Bug was with a friend) made the trip back to the pet store because Hubs "forgot" to pick something up.  While Monster and I were looking at the birds and reptiles Hubs peaked out from a room, smiled, and said, "Ali, come here."  I rolled my eyes and knew what to expect, another puppy.  When I got into the room I saw the boston terrier. 

Monster sat on the floor and played with the boston terrier while quietly watched.  I knew the question was coming, "Mommy, can we get her?" and I was ready to give the "No."  Before Monster could ask Hubs walked by and said, "Monster, how about you come with me and look around so mommy can have some time alone with the puppy?"  Monster exited the room and I was left alone with this pitiful looking boston terrier.  She looked at me, I looked at her, and then she just walked over, crawled up into my lap, nuzzled down, and laid there.  I didn't know what to do, so I cried.  As soon as that darn puppy noticed I was crying she started licking my tears.

Claire Danes' ugly cries are a good representation of how I look when I cry  lol via

During my crying an employee came by

Employee: "Umm, are you okay?"
Employee: "I heard.  I'm so sorry."
::awkward silence::
Employee: ::walks away quickly::

Hubs walked by second later and looked at me, crying with the puppy in my lap.

Hubs: "Do you want me to ask about her information?"
Me: "I don't knooooowwwww."
Hubs: ::half chuckles:: "I'll be right back."

Monster comes in.

Monster:: "Mommy, why are you crying?"
Me: "I miss Kleo.  What would Kleo say if I got another puppy?"
Monster: "I think Kleo would want you to love another puppy as much as you love her."

That Monster, she's a smart cookie. :) Kleo is the type of doggie that would want me to be happy and show love to another dog.  She wasn't the jealous type.

I'm not sure how it happened but somewhere between my crying and rambling Hubs had gotten the information together and we walked out of the pet store with a new puppy.

This is Azura Kleopatra AKA: Zuri

She has been a blessing to have in our home. She's smart, easy going, and loves to cuddle.  Having Zuri around has eased the pain.  She reminds me so much of Kleo.  I know that she will never replace Kleo and I don't want her to.  I hope that with time Zuri and I will grow to have as great a bond as that Kleo and I had. 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

School Puberty Talks

Last week J and I took Bug and Pill (Bug's bestie/J's daughter) to their school's "Girls Night Out".  "Girl's Night Out" was for female students grades 3rd - 5th and an adult female (mom, aunt, grandma, sister, etc) to listen to a talk about the upcoming changes in the young girl's bodies and emotions.  Concluding the talk there would be crafting and zumba.  

The school counselor (a woman) did the majority of the talking at the event.  She explained how puberty starts in the brain, sending a signal throughout the body to start the changes.  She got down to the nitty gritty explaining painful, developing breast, vaginal discharge, crazy hormones, etc.  She even gave us moms/grandmas/aunts a pep talk about how to prepare for the upcoming  hormonal changes.  Afterwards there was a cheesy 1990s video that explained how to put on a pad. 

It sounds so awkward, and it was a little bit, but it was really so great because it was all laid out there and the counselor did an AWESOME job of making everyone feel comfortable and relaxed.  I give her mad kudos!  I hope every school has a counselor like her!

Following the talk and video the paper was put out on the tables and the students could write down any questions they had.  The counselor would pick the up and answer them out loud just in case anyone else was thinking the same thing, but just too embarrassed to ask.  The questions were pretty simple, the most challenging one for her to answer was explaining WHY periods were needed.  She just said "A period is our bodies way of telling us that we can have babies."  She didn't go into any further detail than that, which I'm grateful for.  Bug wanted to ask "Why do we need armpit hair?"  But she didn't get to give it to the counselor.  When I saw it all I said to her was, "We don't need it.  That's why mommy shaves it off every morning."Yea, probably not the right answer, but I am ill equipped for these kind of conversations!

At the conclusion of the talk the event was broken into to two groups.  One would do the craft and the other would zumba.  After 20 minutes the groups would switch.  The craft was making a picture frame together.  It was a really cute, simple craft.  While the craft was going on the students were called out with their mom/grandma/aunt to take a picture to put in the frame.  I really liked the way that zumba was incorporated zumba into the event.  The teacher/zumba instructor explained the importance of staying active.  The movements the teacher used was really basic so everyone could participate in it.  Bug had a good time!  She wants to take a zumba class, which is great because there is a kid one at my gym and we have it on the XBox so she can do it with me!

Leaving the event the counselor said that there would be a bag for the girls to take home and a calendar for them to use so they can track their periods.

Bug: "Mommy!  Don't forget to remind me to get a calendar!"
Me: "Why do you need a calendar?  To track your imaginary period!?"
Bug: "YES!"


Apparently she wasn't the only one because Pill was saying the same thing to J.  Oh, and what was in the bag?  Pads!  The girls were so excited to get pads...  I don't know why.  They are weird! 

Walking back to the vehicle J and I talked about how impressed we were with the event.  She said "That was pretty good!  I remember back in my day the boys got to go have a pizza party while we had to go learn about tampons!"


All the way home the girls were talking about periods and pads while waving around their "period bags."  The winning conversation goes to Pill for sure!

Pill: "Do boys have to wear pads?"
J: "No.  They-"
Pill: "No, they can't, because it would get in the way of their candy sticks."
Me: "WHAT!?"  ::laughter::
Pill: "Ugh! I meant their candy canes!"
Me: ::still laughing while half apologizing to J for not being able to stop the laughter::

Within the following days I was telling the guys at work about the "puberty meeting" and how great it went.  Turns out that none of their children's schools were doing anything like that.  I feel very lucky to have Bug and Monster in a school that took interest in educating the kids and making it fun.  Does anyone else have children in a school that does something like this?  

Monday, March 24, 2014

It's not just young boys!

We often hear about boys that get caught looking at boobs in amazment...  Let me just say that it's not just boys!  This weekend I went and to dinner with Stephanie, S, and the kiddos.  Steph was wearing a blazer with this banging corset which enhanced her even banging-er (it's a word lol) boobies!  It got hot in the restaurant (Hibachi) and she removed her blazer.  Bug straight up pulled one of these...


Her mouth dropped open, she lifted her hand, pointed her finger, and started to say something until I threw my hand over her mouth.

Me: "It's not polite to stare."
Bug: ::mumbling about big boobs with my hand over her mouth::
Me: "Stop.  Yes, I know Miss Stephanie has big boobs.  But we still do not stare."  ::remove my hand from Bug's mouth::
Bug: ::whispering:: "But mommy, they are so biiiiiggggg!!!"
Me: ::sigh:: "Yes, I know.  Now stop!"

It was totally embarrassing!  We were sitting at the Hibachi with strangers who were quietly giggling.  Thankfully Stephanie is a good friend and she laughed it all off.  For real though, I'm not gonna lie, S and I totally checked her out too!  We just weren't obvious!

Hell yea we do!
So, yes, it's not just young boys that stare at boobs.  It's everyone!  Even straight women!  Now the question is, what do you do whenever you catch your kid staring!?

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Sunday Social - 3 Things

1. Top 3 things you cant go a day without doing

Okay, I'm not going to state the obvious like eating, sleeping, water...  That's just boring!

1. Laughing
2. Coffee, and
3. Telling Ticklebug, Bug and Monsters"I love you."
2. 3 things that scare you the most

1. Drowning
2. Spiders
3. People I love not making it to heaven.


3. 3 places you want to see before you kick the bucket

1. Paris
2. Hawaii,
3. Zachary Quinto's bedroom...  BAHAHHAHAHAH


4. 3 movies you will always love

1. The Little Mermaid
2. Dirty Dancing
3. Saving Private Ryan

Am I the only one that reenacted this in the bathtub? via

5. 3 favorite current songs

1. "Let It Go" - Idina Menzel (freaking Disney songs)
2. "XO" - Beyonce
3. ALWAYS and FOREVER my favorite is "Pour Some Sugar On Me" - Def Leppard

And there's another Sunday Social!  Now time to finish up homework and actually be a mother.