Sunday, January 4, 2015

2014 Resolutions Results and 2015 New Goals

Didn't I say last year that I hate using New Years as an excuse to better myself?  Yup, I believe I did...  A year later I think I may have changed my opinion.  It's good to make goals.  Using the new year as a reason to better yourself isn't a bad thing.  Just as long as you remember to reflect, see if the goals were accomplished, and come up with how to get better results next time.  In addition, don't limit yourself to making goals once a year, make new ones through out the year if you need too.  I did. :)

Last year I made two resolutions.  The first was to get my life more organized.  I don't think I completely failed in this.  Ticklebug and I took on a few small projects.  My favorite was taking apart Bug's closet.  The original one just wasn't working for her. 

Bug's closet before.
Working on Bug's closet.

Bug's closet after.

S trying to take me away from my organization project because she's a twatwaffle.
Looking back I see now that I want expand beyond just doing organization.  I want to do one home project a month for 2015.  It can be painting, decor, organization, anything that makes a positive change in the home.  I don't want to limit myself to organization when there are so many other projects that need to be done. 

The second resolution was to show the people I care about that I appreciate them.  I don't know how I feel about this now.  Sometimes I felt I was doing great and sometimes I felt that I was just a mess.  The mixed emotions, I think, come from having expectations.  Whenever I did something I was expecting the person to turn around and do something back.  I don't want to get wrapped up in thinking about it, it's all water under my bridge. :) I know I still want to do things for people I just know that now I need to adjust my expectations.  The knowledge that I did something for someone else should make me happy enough.  Prior to the new year I readjusted this goal and so far it's going great.

The struggles I had this year with being let down did teach me that I need to keep the ties in my family stronger.  Together Ticklebug and I came up with our 2015 New Year resolutions. 

1.  One weekend a month will be dedicated to family oriented adventures that are kiddo focused.  We will talk with the girls and figure out what they want to do, not make the decisions for them.  I'm sure they don't find pleasure in watching daddy play Call of Duty or having me drag them around DWS looking for heels.

These adventures can be anything from going ice skating, swimming, camping in the living room, etc.  We agreed that these adventures can include other families as well, but we want them to be families that we consider extended family.

2.  One night a month dedicated to a date night for Ticklebug and me.

Knowing Ticklebug it will probably be me that plans out these dates.  I'm okay with that because it gives me the chance to find unique things to do.  The idea of doing a dinner and movie over and over can get boring.  I want to try something fun that has us engage each other. 

None of this.  via

These resolutions have short term and long term goals.  Hopefully by the end of 2015 I will say I can account for 12 awesome family adventures and 12 awesome date nights.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Classy Strip Clubs Do Exist!

When my friend L asked me if I would be down to go to a strip club for her quarter of a century birthday I said, "Of course!"  I have no issues with going and watching boobies!  Who doesn't love boobies!? 

The problem is that in our area some of the strip clubs are lacking.  When I say lacking I mean that the exterior resembles something from a run down coal mine town and the interior looks like the inside of a cardboard box with a large table and chairs.  A poor building could probably be overlooked if the entertainers were even slightly entertaining.  Half the time they just sway back and forth, no tricks, or anything worth remembering. Knowing that our local strip clubs are like this L told me, "I want to go to a classy strip club."  I responded with "Is there such a place?"  She said, "In Baltimore."  I assured her I would find one and figure out all the details.  Of course I waited until the last minute (like I do with everything in my life) and when the day came I was scrambling on my phone to try and find a classy strip club.  BTW, if I ever die please delete my browser's completely shameful!

Yup, this is what would happen if my family saw my browser history.
After looking at reviews (did I mention completely shameful browser history) I made a decision on which club in Baltimore to venture to.  Stephanie, L, and I had dinner then drove up.  Parking in Baltimore is a nightmare but this place had their own valet parking lot.  I had never been to a strip club that had it's own valet...  If that weren't enough when we got up to the entrance the bouncers had ear pieces in and were carrying walkie talkies.  After showing our IDs the bouncers radioed us to enter the building.  After entering the building we were in a little boxed off area where we paid the cover fee and be radioed in again. 

If I thought the outside with the valet parking and muscled bouncers carrying technology was intimidating I was about to have my mind blown.  This place had two floors, the pole went all the way up to the second floor, there were cushioned red rolly chairs, there were special fancy tables with bottles service available, and a special closed off area for lap dances.  The three of us stood there stupefied until some young man walked by and said something like, "My name is Eugine and I will be your host for the evening."  A host!?  How in the world is a boobie bar going to have a host!?

For the first ten minutes we wandered around aimlessly until we finally decided to stop at the bar and get drinks.  We watched from an awkward angle until we decided that we would just sit at one of the tables with the rolly red chairs.  We figured that we would get a table dance sooner or later so that we could keep the table. 

Sitting was nice and comfortable.  We were able to just talk and relax.  However, every once in a while I would feel silly and go up to the stage, squeeze my way in between some random guys and tip the dancers.  While I was up there I met some interesting people.  One was some mid life crisis Indian guy that was making it rain one dollar bills.  I found out from the others that it was his first time at a strip club.  It was fun watching him and I was having a good time until one of the guy put his arm around me and whispered, "Does her dancing turn you on?"  I gave an awkward laugh and returned back to Stephanie and L.  No, thank you Creepazoid!

From the table Stephanie, L, and I watched the girls and tried to figure out which one we wanted to come give us a table dance.  I really wanted to get this one girl that looked like Nicki Minaj!  Only because Stephanie and L thought that she was scary.  She came out wearing some kind of whips and chains get up and did a dance to "Anaconda."  She had a muscular and toned body, a beautiful face, but her jaw line was scary...  Like, she looked like the type of girl that would break you in half.  As if her body didn't look intimidating enough the skills she had...  OMG!  Stuff that I didn't even think strippers could actually do!  Nicki Minaj Stripper climbed up the pole to the second floor, quickly slid down, and landed in the splits so hard that you could hear her heels hit the stage floor.  It was totally unbelievable!  I had to leave to the table and shove myself between Indian Guy and Creepazoid so I could tip her!  I felt bad for Nicki Minaj Stripper though after her dance.  A group of men called her back for a table dance and were just... grabby and rude.  Screaming things like, "Yea, you bounce for that dollar!"

None of the girls (aside from Nicki Minaj) seemed too memorable to us.  Side note, you know what's disturbing?  When girls come down the pole with their legs wide open and you can see inside them! 

We were going to give up on finding the girl to come dance on our table until a petite girl with perfect teeth and lots of tattoos came out.  You know that song "I'm in luv with a stripper"?  I swear the three of us had it going on in our head because we were all in agreement that she was "the one."  She was the one that we wanted to come dance on our table.  We called our host (still can't believe strip clubs have host) and asked him to have her come over for the table dance.

While we were waiting for the tattooed stripper to come we saw a lone man walking towards our table looking around awkwardly.  Turns out he was a former co-worker, we will call him F.  Stephanie and I ran up to him and in typically hyper girly fashion did the, "Oh my God!  What are you doing here!?  How have you been?  We haven't seen you in forever!"  He was obviously very taken aback and awkwardly mumbled and pleaded over and over, "Please don't tell anyone you saw me here..." or "I never come to these places..." and "I'm supposed to be meeting someone outside any minute, I didn't intend to come in here"  Uh huh...sureee....  That's why whenever I told the host I needed some ones you pulled out a huge wad of them! ;)


When the tattooed stripper came she introduced herself as Elise.  We paid for the table dance and she did her thing.  Let me tell you all of us were paying attention.  After the fact L and I were talking about laying in front of the mirror and doing things like making your thighs shake and tapping your booty.  We weren't the only ones taking notes though!  F sat there through the table dance and awkwardly rubbed one leg while the other one was bouncing, it kind of reminded me of Thumper!

After Elise's dance she stayed at the table and talked with us.  She even picked a little fun at F on how she saw him sitting in the back by himself.  Hahahaha!  You know it's bad when the stripper is calling you out!  While she was talking to us Stephanie pointed out that she had an Ariel tattoo on her leg.  Ariel is my favorite and that just convinced me even more that I had fallen in love with this stripper.  I was so convinced that I texted Ticklebug and let him know I was leaving him for one.  Hahaha!  Of course he knew I was kidding!  She stayed with us until it was time for her to go back and do her second dance routine.  While she was up we took seats by the stage and blew all our money...  we are no better than men....hahaha!

When Elise's dance was complete we called her back so that Stephanie could get her first lap dance ever!  Here is one thing I dislike about these classy strip clubs...  I can't watch!  Hahaha!  I really wanted to see Stephanie's face as she got her first lap dance. 

I picture Steph's lap dance going like this hahaha!

By the time Steph's lap dance was over it was past 1am and our old lady ways were kicking in so we decided to head home.

While waiting for the valet Stephanie and I were approached by some lesbians.  Stephanie had some butch lesbian asking for her number and I had a Mexican girl flat out state "I want to get you know you better..."  In that tone.  L wasn't much help in saving us...  She was flirting with the (very attractive) bouncer.  When the cars got there Stephanie was almost followed home by some older man that was screaming things at her like, "How are you going home?" and "Where have you been all my life!?"  Getting into the cars was like a 10 minute event!

All in all it was a blast!  I would totally go again.  In fact, some friends and I are secretly planning another trip for another friend.  This would be her first time and I'm all about the first time!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Take time to do what makes your soul happy

Some time ago a friend posted on their facebook wall this image...

How horrible is it that when I saw this lovely image I became frustrated.  My initial thought was "Who has time for that?"  Isn't that a horrible thing to think?  The sad reality is that I've become so consumed with trying to be successful in every aspect of my life that I have forgotten a crucial thing; to do what makes my soul happy. 

Here's an even bigger problem, I don't know if I remember what makes my soul happy on an independent level.  Of course I know that being with my family and friends is the greatest joy (a majority of the time haha) of my life.  Laughter is my absolute favorite sound and being able to make people smile and laugh makes me feeling amazing.  However, I feel like my happiness is too dependent on others.  I want to find something that I can do daily to decompress.  Something that makes my soul happy.  Something that doesn't involve me staring away at Supernatural for hours on end... 

Sorry, boys.  I love you Dean, Sam, and Cas...  But you just don't fill my soul with happiness.  Only lust hahahaha.

While thinking about what makes me happy blogging came to mind.  Blogging is a good outlet for me.  Ever since I was 15 I've taken to the interwebs to post about my ridiculous shenanigans and inappropriate feelings.  As I'm getting older though I find that it's in poor taste to blast out every emotion I'm feeling.  Let's face it, I have a vagina, I'm always feeling something... and no I don't mean in the sexy time way.  The problem with blogging though is that is requires time...  I'll get to that in a minute.

In addition to blogging other things that I think I enjoy doing solo are home projects, puzzles, and... yea, that's all I can think about.  All these hobbies are things that require time.  Time. 

Time is the culprit in keeping me from remembering what makes my soul happy. Time is that one thing that I'm sure every person in this world probably wishes they had more of.  Lately my time has been between my career and my senior year of college.  While my career is awesome my senior year is not going so well.   The demands are much more than what I'm used to.  My weekdays are consumed with sneaking in readings, discussions, and postings.  My weekends (typically Sunday because I wait until the last minute) are filled with research and papers.  I had been trying to suck it up, but I noticed it was taking too much time away from my family and I was just really unhappy.  

I don't think it's fair to my family to have to deal with me being unhappy.  I don't think it's fair to myself!  This is why I've decided I need to take a break from college.  I wanted to be a successful mom, wife, friend, career woman and student but in that process of trying to be successful in everything I feel like I'm losing myself.  With the time off school I hope I can reevaluate the meaning of success.  It's not a piece of paper.  It's the moments where I feel peaceful, happy, fulfilled. 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

First Scuba Dive Experience

When Ticklebug and I decided that we were going to Isla Mujeres, Mexico for our anniversary vacation I knew I wanted to do something different, fun, and adventurous.  I looked up what there was to do on the island and found multiple scuba diving shops.  There were so many to choose from but I ultimately went with Aqua Adventures. The reason for is it's associated with PADI the Professional Association of Diving Instructors and it had the bonus of being owned by a former Coast Guard service member.   

I emailed the shop a week before we left for vacation to ensure that they would be available but ultimately did not make any solid plans because Ticklebug wasn't sure if he wanted to dive yet.  It wasn't until our first full day on Isla that he decided that he wanted to dive.  That day we had rented a golf cart to take around the island and stopped by the shop.  

Daisy (one of the owners) was eating lunch when we walked in.  We offered to come back later but she said that was unnecessary.  We explained to Daisy that we had never dived before and were interested in doing a discovery dive (a dive for uncertified scuba divers).  She explained that even though it was a discovery dive we would still have to do a shallow water dive.  The shallow dive is just as it sounds, diving in the shallow water, but we would learn basic gear uses, hand signals and emergency skills.  Daisy made a few phone calls and arranged it so that we could do the shallow dive within the hour.  Doing the shallow dive this early would make it possible for us to do the actual dive the next morning.  While Ticklebug and I got fitted with our gear the dive master/instructor, Wilbert, arrived and took care of weights and air tanks. Once everything was ready we drove the gulf cart over to the site.

The site ended up being the pier where all the boats where kept.

I don't know why this surprised me.  I thought maybe there was some random pool.  The idea that we would do our shallow dive in the ocean kind of made me nervous.  There is all kinds of scary shit in the ocean!  Once we got on the pier Wilbert and his two guys checked our gear while Ticklebug and I stripped down to our bathing suits and jumped in the three feet deep water.  Once we were in the guys passed us our gear to get on. When we were all set Wilbert hopped in the water and began explaining to us how to properly use the regulator (the device in your mouth that gives you air), how to stabilize ear pressure under water,  how to inflate and deflate the vest with air, hand signals to communicate under water, and emergency basics like what to do if you lose the regulator, what to do if there is water in the regulator, and how to get water out of the mask.  Once he was done explaining he had us go under water on our knees.

Initially going under water (even thought it was only three feet deep) was terrifying for me.  I was thinking to myself, "Why did I want to do this?  My biggest fear is drowning!"  There were a few times I would start to panic and wanted to stand up out of the water.  However, I kept reminding myself, "There is air.  You're fine.  Breathe out your mouth calmly." Wilbert had Ticklebug and me demonstrate hand signals and the emergency skills.  I thought that taking the regulator out of my mouth and trying to reclaim it would cause me to panic but it was surprisingly not.  Not once did I accidentally intake water.

Once we had demonstrated that we knew all the basics Wilbert had us follow him (still underwater) further out the pier.  From there we started the actual shallow dive.  I was (again) super nervous because I hadn't mentally prepared myself to go out in the deep water.

Doing the actual dive it was a bit cloudy because of the kick up from some of the boats but it we were still able to see some of the fish hanging out.  Just seeing all that was amazing.  When we turned around to go back I noticed that I was struggling to keep the same buoyancy as Wilbert and Ticklebug.  I was pretty much on the bottom of the ocean floor at one point.  This had me freaking out.  Have you seen The Blue Lagoon? You know the part where Brooke Shields steps on the poisonous fish and gets really sick?  Yea...  I was thinking that if I touch anything like that I would die soooo I put more air in my vest.  This caused me moments later to be much higher than Wilbert and Ticklebug.  So I decreased.  I decreased so much that I was back on the ocean floor.  As I was trying to figure out the right amount of air to have in the vest I felt something scrap against my leg and didn't think anything of it.  When we got back to the shallow water I stood up, lifted my leg and saw that I was bleeding badly. 

With so much blood Ticklebug went into a mild panic and insisted that I needed stitches.  He was probably right because the fat tissue could be seen because the cut was so deep.  However, I refused to get them done because we were in Mexico and with my luck I would end up missing a kidney or something equally as crazy.  We went back to the dive shop to see what they thought.  Daisy was calm and just suggested bandaging back together. The island didn't have much in medical supplies so we just ended up using medical tape to put me back together.  Thanks to my injury Ticklebug and I spent sometime in the hotel with my leg up just to ensure that I was okay..  And he googled everything under the sun to make sure I wasn't going to "die in my sleep."

The next morning was our actual dive.  We got up early to eat a big breakfast (this was a bad decision I would learn later on.)  After breakfast we walked to get coffee and then to the dive shop.  From there we met up with two other divers, Josh a real estate agent from New York and Asher an animal/environmental activist/artist.  The four of us chatted while Wilbert and his guys talked with the boat owner and got the gear loaded.  Once all this was done we got on the boat and were on our way out to the first site, the Underwater Museum. 

Right before the dive.
 Although it was windy and the water was a little choppy the boat ride was okay until it was time to get our gear on.  As I stood up to get my wetsuit on I felt a wave of nausea hit me.  Getting on the rest of the gear was a chore after that.  I felt awful!  The lead instructor, Jame, was explaining that we would get into the water from a backwards entrance.  Since I was so sick feeling I was only half listening.  Normally, I would have been terrified but I just wanted to get it over with. 

I forgot to hold my mask when going back.
Ticklebug and I went back in the water together and then swam to the rope to begin the descend.

I was the first one to descend.  It actually wasn't too bad.  Ticklebug did have a hard time getting his ears to equalize to the pressure though.   Once we were down Wilbert took us around while Jame and Asher worked together on her certifiation. 

The Underwater Museum wasn't what I expected.  In the pictures it was really clean and clear of moss. 
The sculptures were actually cover in moss.

Nonetheless, it was still beautiful and amazing to see the sculptures.  Some of them were kind of creepy though.  It felt a little eerie underwater because although the water is clear the visibility isn't all the way out.  After a while it's just darkness.  And the idea of not hearing really any noise..  also eerie...  I tried not to think about it though...  I was having horrible visions of a shark coming out of the darkness.  The sculptures were interesting, here are a few of my favorites. 

Ticklebug with the VW Bug.

Heads in the sand.

Creepy eel between the legs of the head in the sand statue.
Isla Mujeres means Island of Women.  Lots of statues of women!
Once we were done with the museum we went back to the surface.  On the surface I felt the choppy water hitting me making me feel absolutely awful!  As soon as I got to the ladder to get back into the boat I straight up puked...  Yup, I puked while trying to get in the boat.  When I got back into the boat I ran to the other side and puked more.  I puked all the way over to the next site.

When we got to the site I was still puking.  Since we were diving at a reef the puke was attracting all the fish.  Yay? LOL...  After I got all my gear on I said, "I think I'm going to be sick....again..."  Jame told me, "Get in the water.  You will feel better.  But if you do have to puke just keep the regulator in your mouth.  It will all come out the other way." Ewwwwww....  I did see the logic in that though so I quickly got the mask on and just went back, no anxiety of the water or anything.  I just wanted to feel better.  Again I was the first to descend.  This time we were diving around the reef.  It was beautiful!  All the fish and the reef.  No words can describe this experience... 
The schools of fish were my favorite.
Creepy fish!
Coming back up from this dive I was surprised to learn I had the most air in my tank.  I was much more relaxed on the second dive and had gotten the breathing down.  I also didn't feel as sick, probably because there wasn't anything left to puke...  We cruised all the way back to Isla and that was that!  Jame told us to stop by the next day to pick up the pictures. 

The remainder of the day Ticklebug and I felt off balance.  It took the rest of the day to get back to normal so we ended up calling it an early night.  I do want to try diving again, but I am unsure if I want to go as far as to get certified.  There was a lot of work in prepping the gear and the anxiety of forgetting something, doing something wrong and potentially being injured... Yikes!  I think I should do a few more dives to see if it's something I really want. :)

First Scuba Diving Experience!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Bathing suit shopping as a mom

If you were to ask me if I would rather go to the gynecologist or go bathing suit shopping I would tell you bring out the stir ups!  A trip to the gynecologist is just a few minutes of discomfort and embarrassment.  Bathing suit shopping is hours of depressing, self esteem destroying, torture!

I had mentally prepared myself a few days in advance by searching the Google Gods (yes, I for real Googled it) for tips to make bathing suit shopping bearable.  Google God said to do the typical things that make you feel better about yourself, like shave your legs and bikini line, do hair and make up.  I wasn't completely satisfied with that answer so I talked with Ticklebug who recommended taking Andi and/or S.  He thought they would be best because they have awesome, healthy body images, and they are two friends who wouldn't run away from my rolls...hahaha!!!  He didn't say the roll thing, I totally added that.

Bug and Monster ended up having to come with me to look for the bathing suit because of Ticklebug's work schedule.  In my mind I had pictured my six and nine year old on their best behavior.  I figured they would understand that mommy was about to endure hours of torture.  I was wrong.  I swear they must have gone into the bathroom at some point and snorted a line of pixie stix because they were freaking crazy.

The first stop was Victoria's Secret and they were I'm talking bouncing off the dressing room walls, knocking over my (much needed) coffee, and saying things like, "Mommy, your stomach is flabby."  Unfortunately, they made me lose my patience a few too many times.

Resulting in S texting Andi (who was at a hair appointment and planning to meet up with us later) to see if we could take her hubby (Sunshine) up on his previous offer to watch my demon spawn.
I love this comic!  I don't know who did it...but I got it via
The girls did eventually end up chilling out before I took them over to Sunshine and Andi's house to play with their daughter, Blondy.  I thought about maybe keeping them around but in the end S and I decided that we were more productive without them. 

After dropping off the spawn and picking up Andi we went back to the mall.  The first stop was Macy's.  I had seen all kinds of cute suits on the internet and wanted to try them on.  Sadly, Macy's was horribly disorganized and I didn't see any of the bathing suits from online.  Be that as it may, Andi and S still managed to find close to 20 different torture devices bathing suits to get me into. 

After suit 23,203 I was becoming grumpy.  I think Andi sensed this because she came in and decided she would try on some suits too.  Okay, these next few sentences are going to sound really lesbionic.  While Andi and I were trying on suits together I turned and looked at her.  Her perfectly done dark black hair and naughty secretary glasses made me gasp.  Bitch was looking straight like Alex Vause from "Orange is the New Black!"

I don't know if you know this...  But Alex is freaking hot and makes me want to go deep sea clam fishing!


The realization that Andi (from now on called Alex) looked like Ms. Vause became the obsession for the rest of the day.   S and I couldn't stop calling her "Alex," Ms. Vause," and "AV."

Back to the my suffering....  We didn't get any suits from Macy's.  We ended up going to the specialty shop Everything But Water.  Just for one part of a two piece it was like $80!  Again, I tried on a zillion different suits.  Thankfully, I had some coffee so I goofed off a bit.  I did some twerking for Alex and S. ;)

Alex and S's faces afterwards bahahahah!!!! via
I ended up walking out with of Everything But Water spending WAY too much money for a bathing suit and cover up that I'm not even sure I want.  I just wanted to get the whole experience over with!

If you want my advice on bathing suit shopping... I have none.  That shit blows harder than a starving hooker trying to make a dollar! 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

A firefighter had to come kill a spider for me

Yes, the title is true.  I'm not even kidding and I'm not ashamed!


I was at work drinking my coffee when a small spider scurried across my desk.  Thankfully, on this particular day, the majority of the office was gone so only three people could hear my high pitched shrilling.  That spider was a fast little asshole!


I grabbed my napkin and tried to smash him but he was dodging every advance I made!  In my urgency to squash Mr. Spider I dropped my napkin.  I refused to bend down and pick it up because I knew the second I took my eyes off the demon he would jump on me, climb in to my nose, and lay devil baby eggs that would suddenly crack and come oozing out.  I grabbed my spoon and just randomly started trying to hit the spider "Wack a Mole" style.  I must have angered it because the little cuntcake dashed towards me.  I threw my spoon at it and shrieked, "I can't!  I just can't!"


Stephanie sat at her desk, watching me, and laughing.  (You Bitch!)

K came out from her section of cubical land with C.

K: "What are you screaming about!?  Is there a possum?  A rat?"
Steph: ::giggle:: "I know what it is..."
Me: "It's a spider!"
K: "A big spider?"
Me: "A SPIDER!!!!"
C: "Okay, resident spider killer is here."
K: "...Really, Ali?"

So C killed my spider and threw it in the trash.

Oh yea, I should probably mention C is a volunteer firefighter.  So, no, I didn't call the fire department or anything crazy like that...  But it's still funny to say "A firefighter had to come kill a spider for me."

Again, when it comes to spiders...


Monday, April 28, 2014

The Time I Accidentally Went to a "Happy Ending" Massage Parlor

Baby Fungus (little sister) and I made a trip to New Jersey a few weeks ago so she could see Cabana Boy (her boyfriend).  That whole mess is another story but right now I want to take a moment to share my story appropriately titled,

"The Time I Accidentally Went to a 'Happy Ending' Massage Parlor"

I had some free time since I left Baby Fungus and Cabana Boy alone for a few hours in the dorm to do whatever 17/18 year olds do in their free time.  I got my nails done, did some wine shopping, and at 7:30 was driving around bored.   Along the side of the road I saw a big sign that said, "MASSAGE" in red.  In my past experiences massage spas close around 7 or 8 at the latest.  However, I saw a glowing "open" sign and figured, "What the hell!"  I went to check the hours on the door and they were listed as 10am-10pm.  I thought it was unusual, but whatever.  New Jersey is unusual, so I figured this might be the norm.

When I walked in I noticed that the waiting room was dimly lit, with minimal furniture. An old Chinese man was sitting behind the desk and looked confused whenever I walked inside.  Before I could speak to him a cute little Chinese girl (CG) came out of nowhere.  Our conversation went,

CG: "You want massage?"
Me: "Yes, please."
CG: "How long?"
Me: "Thirty minutes."
CG: "Okay!  You go in room, take off clothes."
Me: "Can I use the bathroom first?"
CG: "Okay, down end of hall."

I walked down the hall and looked to the right.  Behind a curtain was a bright white room with one desk and an older Chinese woman sitting at it.

When I walked back to the room I undressed down to my underwear.  Right as I got the blanket over my body CG knocked on the door and walked in.

CG: "You want light pressure or deep pressure."
Me: "Deep, please."

Maybe it's because I like to be beaten during a massage, but I would not call the massage deep.

I would probably say no. via
In fact, I don't think it was a massage.  It was like a rub down.  About ten minutes in CG was standing to the left of me, took my left hand, and moved it off the bed.  I was a bit confused.  Why would she move my hand?  And even more so, why is she nudging it with her legs and va jay jay?!?!

After she was done dry humping my hands she continued the massage by moving to my butt.  I've had my butt massaged before.  The difference is that it was always over a blanket and the masseuse wasn't trying to pull down my panties.  Yup, you heard me right...  CG was pulling my panties around!  She must have felt my butt cheeks tensing up because she stopped and said,  "Just. Relax!"  I blurted out, "I'm trying!"  I didn't know what to think!  It was then that it clicked that I was probably in one of THOSE massage parlors. 

The timer went off (finally) and CG left the room.  I got dressed, walked out of the room and went to the old man to pay.  While I was up there CG came up and I thought she was about to have a heart attack.

CG: "Don't pay with card!"
Me: "Um, why not?"
CG: "Do you have cash to pay?"
Me: "I have cash, but I need it because I'm leaving New Jersey and need to pay the tolls."
CG: "How much you have?  We can do discount."
Me: "I would really rather pay with my card."
CG: "...ok..."

I paid, left, and called Hubs to tell him the experience.  He asked me if I looked up the reviews before I went in.  I hadn't so I got on yelp and low and behold... I saw this!!!!

You see that!!!! YOU SEE!!!!???  That confirmed it!

Lies! via

So now I give you, ways to tell you're in a Happy Ending massage parlor

Ten Ways to Know You're in a Happy Ending Massage Parlor

1) Unusual hours
2) Tacky red massage sign
3) Windows covered with heavy blinds
4) Dim lighting
5) Creepy old man behind counter
6) Mama-san behind the scenes 
7) Masseuse moves your hands they touch her va jay jay
8) Pulling your underwear down
9) You're not being massaged, your being rubbed down
10) Insisting on paying in cash