Monday, April 28, 2014

The Time I Accidentally Went to a "Happy Ending" Massage Parlor

Baby Fungus (little sister) and I made a trip to New Jersey a few weeks ago so she could see Cabana Boy (her boyfriend).  That whole mess is another story but right now I want to take a moment to share my story appropriately titled,

"The Time I Accidentally Went to a 'Happy Ending' Massage Parlor"

I had some free time since I left Baby Fungus and Cabana Boy alone for a few hours in the dorm to do whatever 17/18 year olds do in their free time.  I got my nails done, did some wine shopping, and at 7:30 was driving around bored.   Along the side of the road I saw a big sign that said, "MASSAGE" in red.  In my past experiences massage spas close around 7 or 8 at the latest.  However, I saw a glowing "open" sign and figured, "What the hell!"  I went to check the hours on the door and they were listed as 10am-10pm.  I thought it was unusual, but whatever.  New Jersey is unusual, so I figured this might be the norm.

When I walked in I noticed that the waiting room was dimly lit, with minimal furniture. An old Chinese man was sitting behind the desk and looked confused whenever I walked inside.  Before I could speak to him a cute little Chinese girl (CG) came out of nowhere.  Our conversation went,

CG: "You want massage?"
Me: "Yes, please."
CG: "How long?"
Me: "Thirty minutes."
CG: "Okay!  You go in room, take off clothes."
Me: "Can I use the bathroom first?"
CG: "Okay, down end of hall."

I walked down the hall and looked to the right.  Behind a curtain was a bright white room with one desk and an older Chinese woman sitting at it.

When I walked back to the room I undressed down to my underwear.  Right as I got the blanket over my body CG knocked on the door and walked in.

CG: "You want light pressure or deep pressure."
Me: "Deep, please."

Maybe it's because I like to be beaten during a massage, but I would not call the massage deep.

I would probably say no. via
In fact, I don't think it was a massage.  It was like a rub down.  About ten minutes in CG was standing to the left of me, took my left hand, and moved it off the bed.  I was a bit confused.  Why would she move my hand?  And even more so, why is she nudging it with her legs and va jay jay?!?!

After she was done dry humping my hands she continued the massage by moving to my butt.  I've had my butt massaged before.  The difference is that it was always over a blanket and the masseuse wasn't trying to pull down my panties.  Yup, you heard me right...  CG was pulling my panties around!  She must have felt my butt cheeks tensing up because she stopped and said,  "Just. Relax!"  I blurted out, "I'm trying!"  I didn't know what to think!  It was then that it clicked that I was probably in one of THOSE massage parlors. 

The timer went off (finally) and CG left the room.  I got dressed, walked out of the room and went to the old man to pay.  While I was up there CG came up and I thought she was about to have a heart attack.

CG: "Don't pay with card!"
Me: "Um, why not?"
CG: "Do you have cash to pay?"
Me: "I have cash, but I need it because I'm leaving New Jersey and need to pay the tolls."
CG: "How much you have?  We can do discount."
Me: "I would really rather pay with my card."
CG: "...ok..."

I paid, left, and called Hubs to tell him the experience.  He asked me if I looked up the reviews before I went in.  I hadn't so I got on yelp and low and behold... I saw this!!!!

You see that!!!! YOU SEE!!!!???  That confirmed it!

Lies! via

So now I give you, ways to tell you're in a Happy Ending massage parlor

Ten Ways to Know You're in a Happy Ending Massage Parlor

1) Unusual hours
2) Tacky red massage sign
3) Windows covered with heavy blinds
4) Dim lighting
5) Creepy old man behind counter
6) Mama-san behind the scenes 
7) Masseuse moves your hands they touch her va jay jay
8) Pulling your underwear down
9) You're not being massaged, your being rubbed down
10) Insisting on paying in cash


  1. Omg!!!!!!!!!!! I have no words.....

  2. Hahaha! This would only happen to you, Ali! :D

  3. Hi, Ali! The whole things must’ve been quite awkward, to say the least. And I’m sure they were as confused as you were when you entered their premises. Haha! Anyway, I love the part where you listed the 10 ways to know if you are in a Happy Ending massage parlor. That was really witty. Thanks for sharing!

    Hattie Perry @